If your life is held together with spit and a half a piece of gum, then prepare for that sucker to crumble like feta. Life for me is like a roadster – room for 2 only. Metaphorically speaking of course, I have plenty of room in my life for others but I am quite persnickety about who enters my realm. You’ve got a better chance of getting into Buckingham Palace than you have in getting in my life. I’m funny, oh it’s true, just ask Tracy of Jennifer. I’m funny but I’m a friend for life (if your Chi is right. No Chi, No E!) I think my alter ego is Yosemite Sam. He has the best temperament when he gets upset. I wish I could be so brave, but we have these rules and people tend to frown upon such behavior (eyes rolling). Or better still, Rat from Pearls before Swine. Love that guy. There was this one strip where he would do a long ski jump look (you know the one where you just stare straight ahead, stiff bodied) every time somebody said something stupid or what he thought was stupid. Man, I would be in a constant state of ski jump look. Or even Danae from Non-Sequitur, THAT little girl just rules, kid after my own heart. So I guess that leads to the question, who am I? Answer, whoever I’m required to be at the time required. People ask me, what’s your real name, what does EJ stand for – why? Are you going to do Ancestery.com to see if we’re related or are you just asking because you’re nosey? We ARE NOT friends, call me by what I introduced myself to you as, not what you heard someone else call me. Who do you think you are? I don’t say a lot, but my face, it betrays me often. I try to talk to it, but it just blows me off. Sorry, my ADD kicked in and I got off track, forgive me. Roadster, yes. Seems now, I don’t even need that extra seat because I’ve been forsaken. Taylor Swift-ed. Left out in BFE with no H2O. It’s all good, things happen. I don’t eat feta but when you’re starving, left-out, leftover fish is quite appetizing. Beware loose lips lacing promises of … Guess I’ll get me a dog. At least then I’ll be the one to do the forsaking. Who am I? I… am alone but in the words of Mary J., I’ll be JUST FINE FINE FINE FINE FINE FINE HOOOOO.
I lost my Wilson (think Castaway). No, I take that back, lost implies that you don’t know where something is. I know where Wilson is, Wilson just doesn’t want to be here with me. It’s a funny thing when your life needs mending. Love is unraveling, family is fraying at the seams, it can get pretty raggedy and there’s never a needle and thread handy when you need one. I believe in pray. I pray, not just during the bad times, when things are in a crap-hole dug in the ground, nor do I forget to pray when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. I pray. All prayer is, is a heartfelt request of hope. Hope that things will get better, directions will be given, right decisions will be made, etc. Remember when Jessie Jackson said “keep hope alive” well, it remains true today. Hope is ever present; it’s the amount of hope that you have that will determine your level of mending. No hope, then you can pretty much toss whatever is unraveling or fraying into the pile marked Goodwill. Life for me Ain’t been no Crystal Stair, but it hasn’t been a candidate for demolition either. I was never promised an ache free, tearless life and let me tell you, life has kept its promise. Images I had in my head about how things would be and how they ultimately turned out, were often times not even in the same galaxy. If life were a friend, we definitely wouldn’t be on speaking terms right now. She’s left me disappointed, hurt, angry, depressed and lacking. I don’t blame her really, she never promised me anything. It was I who had all these expectations and plans so I have no one to blame but myself. She promised me nothing and gave me change everywhere I turned. Change is the requirement to accept something that we weren’t expecting to happen in the first place, be it good or bad. Change isn’t necessarily bad but when the change that happens isn’t bringing any smiles to your face, then in our book, it’s bad. Life for me is changing now, through no fault of my own and to my human credit, I fought against it hard. I tried to deny it at every turn; throwing my best high blocks and punches but alas, I was no match for Change. On Saturday, I surrendered and acknowledged my defeat and skulked away, licking my wounds. I fought a good fight, but I did not win the race. I was no match for the Change that started some 3 years ago. I tried to be accepting, accommodating, and every other action that yields to Change but alas, she proved too much for me. I’ve all but given up Hope that Wilson will return, but I try to keep Hope alive. After this, Change and I won’t be on speaking terms for a little while at least. It’s inevitable that we’ll reunite, but until then, I will climb these stairs; full of nails, splinters, loose footings and handrails. I will climb these stairs, in darkness and in light, alone and unafraid because fear provides no service or assistance here. I will climb and keep climbing; Hoping that with every step Change is there, waiting to make it better. This is my prayer.
“Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me” (The Fray)
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a rearview mirror.
Some reading this may not know what the title means, and to that I say, Google it. I love music. My friends will tell you, when they get in my car, they don’t know what sound is going to come out of the speakers. One of my favorite groups is Rascal Flatts. They have a song, Broken Road. The song is a poignant look at the road traveled and the road not traveled and how he (Gary) is so thankful to God that every moment he missed, every broken road that he went down, led him right to where he is now. How sweet is that? That despite all the holes and ditches he probably had to maneuver around, he recognizes the value of the plan God had for him and the road he had to take. Hindsight is better than 20/20, 1080pi HDTV, even Coca Cola. Hindsight often hangs with the SWC crew and while they are cool, nobody likes them hanging around for long. All hindsight is, is reflection and we learned that with reflection, sometimes forgiveness is needed and then focus forward (Tenth Day of Christmas). Plenty of times I’ve thought about things after the fact but let’s be real, NOBODY likes a Monday Morning Quarterback
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… Tomorrow.
I love words, literature, all that is creative and inspiring and soul-stirring. I remember having to memorize lines from Macbeth and the lines spouted after his wife’s death. Try as we might to live in the moment, we can’t help but look toward the future. As we come to the end of the year, so often we look back with regret on things we didn’t accomplish or resolutions long forgotten. Ohhh, the new year, full of… whatever you put into it. I no longer wait until the end of the year to accomplish or resolve things because tomorrow ain’t promised. Take this blog, I could have waited until the end of the year to start writing again, but who would that have benefited, certainly not you and I hate to disappoint my fans :). Taking stock and reflecting on the past should be a learning experience, not opportunity to linger with the SWCs. Learn what did work, what didn’t work, why you didn’t, why you did; Learn, not Linger. Lingering leads to depression, anger, resentment and a host of other self-inflicted dis-eases of the mind that do nothing but isolate us from ourselves. The end of the year should bring forgiveness; of yourself, of others, of circumstances, of what did happen, what didn’t happen. 11:59pm on Dec. 31. nothing can be done about the last 364 days. The beginning of the year should bring forgiveness AND focus. Forgiveness: Don’t over-think it, dissect it, discuss it, Just DO IT. Focus: on what lies ahead, what you can control, on yourself, your family, whatever you desire and when you do all this, make sure Forward precedes your focus.
“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” Forgiveness fuels your candle to shine brighter. Focus extends your hour, thus signifying something and leaving regret in the dust. Poof.