Run. Alice!!

Alice in Wonderland is a movie that I enjoy watching.  I don’t really have favorites because a favorite implies something that you never tire of watching.  I tire easily.

Though she be absent, my grand and I still have conversations. She had sleep technical difficulties and I, being her twin, inherited it. Restless Spirit is what I call it.  She and I are talking now.   It’s 12:26 AM and I can’t sleep and I have an idea why.  I’m not living/doing my purpose.  Not for lack of effort on my part, well maybe a little bit.  There’s this little thing called Adulting that I must engage in.  Some people my age, older and younger just say eff it and ignore the Rules of Adulting (RoA) all together.  They usually have a parent(s) who pick up the slack or some schmuck who is ok Adulting for them.  Yeah, I don’t have that luxury.  I’ve been Adulting since about age 7.  Nothing new, plenty of kids start Adulting way sooner than required.  No complaints, but hell, Adulting is exhausting and no one tells you the RoA because if you start as a kid, it’s basically OJT.   I get it now how people go absolutely BatCrap doing something they are good at that they don’t want to do.  I’m good at a lot of things, G-d made me that way.  I could/would excel (and normally do) at everything because I pick things up easily but if the heart isn’t in it, it’s just like mashing peas – a waste.

I feel like a slave.  No, that’s a lie.  I have no idea what it feels like to be a slave.  I can only project the images of what slave life was like onto my current situation.  Having to jump when someone says jump.  Answer the phone, respond, speak at the sound of the beep or else.  The work, I initially believed in but it became as mundane as running on the treadmill and worse yet, yielded no benefits.  Least you can reap gains from da mill.  It has become obsolete, as productive as the hamster on the wheel – it/I am going/go nowhere.

To some I may sound ungrateful but who cares.  Not asking you to agree, understand or even read.  I’m writing this because it’s what I’m supposed to do, called to do.  Simply, what I do.  Every day I leave my home and particularly on the weekend, I see a world that I resent. There, standing on the corner, every corner is someone begging.  Old people, young people, individuals, teams, everybody wants something.  Jesus said give to all who ask.  Obviously, he was talking to/about the middle class.  We give to every body.  No body gives us shit.  The rich give to themselves and/or other rich.  The poor, hell, everybody gives to the poor.  Who gives to the middle class?  The Middle Class. We – The MC pours into every class/caste/population on Earth/America and people wonder why/how we’re running on empty.  One can only run off of blood/sweat/piss/tears for so long. People get tired.  I.  Am.  Tired.

I listen to Republicans, Democrats, Green party, Tea party, coke party, choke party, IDFAF party and every one in between.  Every one saying the same thing about the same issues about the same people.  Social Security (what exactly is that again?), Healthcare (even working people can’t afford that), Education (pre/elementary/high/post secondary/higher) let’s be honest – everybody isn’t cut out for school and just should go,  Children (this might get me some enemies but Everyone does not love the kids), Military (we’ve got to do better by our Vets) – what else is there?  Everyone talking about “Make America great again” or “America is already great”  Listen, America, if that’s her real name, can take care of herself, if we let her.  She’s been around since before Jesus was born and was, by all accounts, doing pretty well.  We humans have a way of getting hold of something and completely removing all evidence of what it once was – pure, simple, good.  I remember when I came of age to vote, there was a saying going around during election time “Ask yourself if you’re better off now than you were 4 years ago.”  I never quite understood that because the person sitting in the Oval Office had absolutely nothing to do with where I was or would be going in the span of 4 years.  Wait, I take that back, they had a hand in how hard it would be for me to maneuver, but even that was still up to me.  That question only really mattered to rich people and poor people.  Middle class people; technically, we’re still the same.  Time has marched on, we’ve aged, we’ve lost, we’ve gained (maybe) but we’re still pouring into others and no one, it seems, is pouring into us.

People die at the hands of each other.  People die at the hands of another.  Those in power should know better.  Those who want power should do better.  Let’s keep it real – No lives matter.  If they did, we’d do better by the people who are living, trying to live, trying.

Funny thing is, this isn’t even me writing this.  I mean, I good, don’t get me wrong, but when you get in the zone, when words, lyrics, energy flows without need for breath,  food, air, you MUST KNOW that it is something Not of This World.   I’ve always believed that, which is why I say I’m GoodWithPen (none good but the Father, from whom this gift flows).  I was hesitant about letting my gift flow because, you know, that whole Adulting BS but this is my test of faith (that’s a whole different story).  I may get fired but I haven’t said anything implicating, merely voiced my opinion, which I actually put down on my recent evaluation, lol.   I understand why people (who have money) are hesitant to take stand on political issues.  They’ve got a lot to lose but my faith ain’t always been high. Always been there, lurking beneath the surface like algae, catfish, termites under the crawlspace.  Can’t see it, can’t hear it, but you know it’s there.  My faith is private.  You should see my faith my actions. So when I see people in positions who do/don’t speak out, that, to me, is an exercise of faith.  If you lose something because you stood up for (what you believe to be/have been) injustice, do you believe He will restore what you lost?  Fence straddling, waffling, pan flipping, coal jumping it can be dangerous and if nothing else, looks exhausting.  It’s akin to going to a buffet and standing in front of the menu board for hours because you’re afraid to make a decision.  To make a choice.  What if I choose wrong?  You can send it back, throw it away, give it away.  Speak out, that could mean death, take that how you will.

I am not oppressed.  More restricted but again, the whole Adulting thing but I’m making strides to get back to Childing, you know when you could do shit and it be excused because you were a kid.  Be like Ryan Locte- embarrass an entire nation and be given ample opportunities.  Let’s see how many opportunities come my way should this be viewed as embarrassing.  Let’s see if I can Locte this to my advantage (yes, he has become a verb).

I’m sure there are plenty of people who have similar feelings, sentiments, thoughts, etc.  Maybe not as deep, maybe deeper, maybe not at all.  At times, most times, the majority of the time Do you care?  Really?  Do you feel what you do is making a difference?  Be the change you want to see in the world?  That drop in the ocean gets lost and add no value to rivers, lakes and streams fed by the ocean.  The ocean does not need our tears.  It, like America was/is self-sufficient until we got involved.

I had the opportunity once to chat with someone who confided that they’d contemplated self-murder.  I asked why.  Their answer was one of mutual feeling.  “The world is such a shitty place to each other, I get sad every time I see it.”  I found it to be the saddest, most truthful thing anyone had every said to me.  People don’t like truth.  No matter how it’s delivered, and my delivery can be comically brash at times, but hey, whatever.

I recall working at the post office just after graduation and we couldn’t talk but we could listen to music.  People would listen to, the now defunct Don Immus – you remember him.  He called a woman’s basketball team a group of “nappy headed whoes” or something to that effect.  But during his show, when readers would call in, most would predictably and cheerfully and regularly ask him “How are you?” and his response is something I’ve followed to this day.  He would say “Do you care?”  Why are you asking how a person is?  Because society dictates it’s the polite thing to do.  Really, do you care?  Be honest.  No.  Why?  Because you have your own troubles to care about and that person’s troubles may be just a bit too much for you to bear.  Or, maybe they just don’t want to hear it.  Maybe, they just, don’t care.  And you know what, that’s really ok.  Don’t say things you don’t mean.  Don’t give people false hope.  Don’t pretend to be something that you aren’t.  If you don’t like something or someone, there has to be a reason.  Whether or not that reason makes sense to someone else, doesn’t matter.  Those are your feelings, they are valid.  Own them, don’t run or hide from them.  Be true to yourself.  Few of us can do that, particularly women, for we may be labeled a bitch.  Well, be a bitch and make no apologies for it.  Don’t be a dick, that’s just unnecessary.  Just because you hold power and can wield it, doesn’t mean you should.  Exercise discretion.  Exercise restraint.

It’s now 1:56AM and my grand and I are still conversing.  My RHEMAn is still at work and I am tired but still the music flows.  Music.  The universal G-d. Accepted by everyone in some form.

“Just like fire, burning out the way, if I could light the world up for just one day

Watch this madness, colorful charade, no one can be just like me anyway

Just like magic,  I’ll be flying free, Imma disappear when they come for me

I kick that ceiling what you gonna say, no one can be just like me anyway.” Pink

 

G-d gave Noah a sign.  No more water, The Fire Next Time.

“Big” lil brother

There’s something to be said about looking “up” to younger siblings. I’m a coconut so they know it ain’t easy to impress (get through to) me but my #2 and #3 baby brothers are putting in the work.

My #1BB – Moosh Millionz is the most like me – creatively, so he’s like me, not easily impressed but every now and again, he gets a head nod from Big Sis!

My #2BB – M. Majid did me proud Tuesday. He got his marketing swagger ON.  Dude was as charismatic as Bill Clinton and as engaging as Tony Robbins.  He worked the room like a pro and it was his first time at the rodeo.  I think he’s stepping into his own and I’m honored to assist him in becoming a better winner.

My #3BB – J. Isaiah, is more like my kid, really. He continues to amaze and inspire me. He’s my future, future.  He enlightened me today and while I know he looks up to me, perhaps they all do, what he said struck me in such a way that Rheem(an) compelled me to write about it.

Getting my Jim Harbaugh mentality on: The Power of Exclusion. “Winners have the right to get better. The winners have the right to condition more, to be better [football players] and the losers have to go to the side. They go over there and stand [and watch the winners get better]. Winners keep playing. Winners advance to the next round, the next opportunity.” Jim Harbaugh  Some people just don’t want to get better. Some people just don’t want it and that is completely ok…for them. The Word says ” Those who have ears, let them hear” well, everybody who has ears can’t hear but if you have ears and can hear and/or refuse to hear, well, stop asking people “What’d they say?“!  Do us (winners) a favor – Get out of the way! Go stand over there, on the side and watch us (winners) get better (by putting in more work).  Even with putting in more work, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be a winner because there will always be someone smarter, faster, better, period.  It’s the drive and desire to be better that gives you the upper hand. I’m no football player but I have a pretty good stiffarm.  #allIdoiswin

A girl needs to be surrounded by good men.  I’ve got 3 of the best and even though they won’t tell you, I’m their favorite!  #gamessiblingsplay

 

What size is this thing?

Growth, while necessary, can be painful.  My last baby brother grew too quickly and as a result, he suffers chronic knee pain.  It was a natural process but somewhere along the line his body wasn’t quite ready for the physical change facilitated by nature.

My body is done growing, at least upwards anyways.  No, the growth I’m referring to is mental and spiritual and at times, it seems a tad bit tight.  See, if you’ve been following along you know that you don’t really know me.  Don’t feel bad, no one does and the reason that is, is because I’m a private person.  I’m painfully private.  Took me years to be obedient to share my gift and even this is anxiety filled.  I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my -ish.  That being said, you can’t hide your light forever because eventually the flames get too big and too hot.

The flames are proving too much for me and my bush is about singed to the core so up I stand, again, to share the shine of my light, as we all should.  The use of one’s gift involves sharing and that is not something I was familiar with as a child.  Having to learn that process as an adult proved a little difficult.  No, you may not have any of mine, I will get you your own – was my philosophy.  We all know that is not how it’s supposed to be, but hey, I’m a WIP.

Today, I grew, twice.  I reached out and so far, what I thought, desired and imagined would happen, happened.  Now, that’s not to say that things can’t go far to the left but what I’m learning is that it’s not really me that’s growing but my faith.  It feels weird because you hear people talk about it but you can’t recall it ever happening to you.  Oh, it’s happened before but in our preoccupation with (insert whatever) we may have missed it.  I know I have, did and do.  But not this time.  I know we get hesitant when things start to flow so easily.  It’s like running or riding down hill.  You want to take advantage of the momentum but you don’t want to crash and burn either.  Thus my current dilemma.  The Word says, every good and perfect gift comes from the L-rd.  The Word says, pray without ceasing. What The Word doesn’t tell you is when it will come or what it will look like.  Man, I wish my grandparents were alive, they’d know exactly what it looks like but it is not their faith that needs the growth.  No, babygirl has to do this walk on her own, no earthly assistance and that sucks but I got this.

I’m an ambivert with more introvert tendencies but 10 out of 10 people think I’m an extrovert and that is because I’m good at what I do, whatever I’m doing at that time.  I’m a Jack(queline) of all trades and a master of nothing because there is only one Master.  I’m grateful for this growth, as uncomfortable as it is and will be, I’m sure things will level out.  I read that before walking the red carpet, some female celebrities of the curvier nation will put on several layers of Spanx to achieve that glass smooth finish.  Right now, I feel like I’m wearing a waist trainer, the entire collection of Spanx, Assets, corsets and ace bandages ever made.  But like the diamond and the pearl, it takes a lot of grit to get that glory.  I’ll take small breaths.

I read somewhere or heard it somewhere that, and I’m paraphrasing here – the more afraid you are to do something, the more you need to do it.  Now that is all relative but I think in my case it’s true.  Too bad I can’t use Biofreeze or Arnica gel for this pain.  Where is that McDonald’s straw?

Sucking Wind

Had a conversation this evening with an acquaintance and she told me that she likes talking with me because she can talk about her favorite subject and always learns something.  I told her that was great but it was that same reason that, IMHO, she did not have any friends or as many friends or whatever she’s going for.  She can, and does, only talk about G-d.

Now, I love my Father and Jesus and my Rheeman but even those in the clergy can carry on conversations that are of a wordly nature.  Take the price of gas for instance.  I mentioned this to her and she told me that gas wouldn’t get her salvation.  While that may be true, it may not be true.  How do you really know what it takes for salvation?  Last time I checked, nobody walking the earth was there so we’re all just WAGing.  And if you want to get technical, G-d created gas, so in talking about gas, you’re still talking about G-d.  Now what.

1 Corinthians 9:22 says, and I’m paraphrasing here… I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some.   Now if I weren’t a believer, listening to her would NOT make me one.  She likes to quote scripture and verse and I’m happy for her but um, I like well rounded conversation because I believe Jesus talked about more than himself and the Father.  He was just as much human as he was divine and the human side likes to talk about nothing sometimes.  She told me that there is nothing else she’d rather talk about and I told her great.  But there are other things I like to talk about and IMHO G-d is ok with it.

I stopped talking to her last year for this very reason, something she asked me about today.  “Why did you stop talking to me?” she asked, genuinely curious, so I told her.  I was making an effort this time because, you know, I’m funny but she kept poking the bear.  She told me next time I should say I want to talk about (insert subject).  Umm, are you serious?  What is this, a curriculum, elementary school?  This is supposed to be a conversation and if it evolves into a discussion about G-d, great, but angles I don’t like.  Angles are for measurements and geometry classes and picture taking, not personal conversations.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  The good thing about that is, you can get a drink yourself:  common ground to save yourself (part of the some).   So here we are again but hopefully this time she won’t feel the need to ask why.  Now where did I put those scissors?

 

You don’t have to tell me.

You don’t have to tell me.
Every now and again I must check myself and attempt to remove the obtrusive spec from my tightly slanted eye(s). Being a Capricorn, a true Capricorn but that on-the-cusp stuff, I often engage or what others perceive as authoritarianism. I believe that my way is the best way and as history has shown, it usually is. Ok, there was that time that my car got flooded because I was out getting my hair done in a hurricane and the time I cracked my windshield trying to kill a bug, but whatever, I’m talking real stuff.

Disappointment is right around the corner, we all know that, but when it runs into you or you into it, who’s sadder? These people I know have, what I term a SER (side-eye relationship). Every time someone asks me about it, I must SE to keep from uttering negativity and yes, I’m well aware that is an unG-dly behavior and I’m working on it, hence this post. Sardines and Ice Cream is what I call them and yes, like their namesakes, they – in my opinion – do not go together either. I don’t care for Sardines, never have, so as you can imagine, that makes it all the more easier and justifiable (my world) to try to tweeze out the spec. But today, I went inward and saw or I attempted to see things from Sardines perspective and I think Sardines is probably full of disappointments. Disappointment in all the things they can’t do for Ice Cream. But here’s the thing, at some point, when does a person have to take responsibility for the change or lack thereof that they desire? True, I am not there 98 percent of the time but that 2 percent leaves a whole lot to be desired. I reflected on this today when Ice Cream was being tended to by Mountain Spring. I stated, out loud and critically something about Sardines not being around or expecting them to be around, something like that and then it hit me; did I really need to throw salt in the wound? Yup cuz Sardines is quite frankly, lazy and I can see that with, without and around the spec. Observation, not judgment or criticism. All that withstanding, I’m sure Sardines feels a profound sense of failure and disappointment in regards to Ice Cream and probably vice versa but you know I don’t care for Sardines, so not really feeling sympathetic BUT I’m working on my spec. I, by no means want anyone to be what I want them to be, no. What I want is for them to be involved, active, engaged, anything that will effect change for their betterment not my own. I now see Sardines with more compassion. I imagine it is quite a heavy burden to carry but why stumble around in the dark when you have the power and means to turn on the light?