Sour Grapes – an excerpt from Thread for Mending a Broken Soul

I wrote this in 2002, 2003 during a dark period in my life and in the lives of some of my G-d friends.  Relationships are tough.  Me, my friends, strangers I came into contact with; we were all going through, so I put our misery into words.  This is what evolved.  Hopefully it will help someone.

Why are women so bitter? How many times have you heard that line? Why, are women so bitter?

Funny how it’s always a man asking that questions.  They just don’t understand.  They think bitterness is a 24-hour process.  No honey, that’s not how it works.  It takes time to make a good bitter woman.  It’s a slow process.  A slow, hard, and painful  process.  Let me tell you how it starts.

First, she meets him.  Be he:

Handsome/cute/ok/damn right ugly

Rich/doing ok/making it/barely making it/never made it

Single/attached/married/divorced

Fatherless/1 child/king of procreation

Passive/aggressive/abusive

 

He may have:

A car/a bike/a bus pass/a good friend/several pairs of rocked over shoes

A house/ some houses/an apartment-condo/living with a roommate/living with his mama/living in a box

Higher education/book sense/common sense/the village idot

An addiction/a condition/a fickle disposition

A career/a job/ a hustle/ a cup

Regardless of his plight, there is a woman out there for him.  A good woman.  A good thing.

You meet him. You like him.  You date him.  You fall in love with him.  You live with him. You marry him.  You break up/divorce him.  You hate him.

Somewhere between dating and hating, the process begins.

You think you two are partners.  If one has, the other has.  That’s just the way it is.  A good woman stands beside her man.  You help him build, if he has nothing.  You help him build upon what he has, if he already has something.

You clean him up, if this is the case, or compliment his style with your own stunning grace.  You  help him land a job, sometimes he has two.  He might be financially sound, even better for yo.  If he got kids, you deal with the baby mama drama.  Sometimes he has more than one, that’s a whole other drama.  Life seems pretty good, he’s come a long way  Nothing liek the man he used to be back in the day.

ARE YOU STARTING TO GET A FUNNY TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH?

All of a sudden, life gets a little rough.  You figure, ya’ll will make it, he’s a man, built tough. First the change in attitude, then the coming home late.  Giving all his time to another, always making you wait. Comes home/calls you up one day and says he’s got something to tell you.  Claims he wants to be on his own, you and he are through.

Hold up now, what about all my effort, sweat, tears and time?  What about they years wasted, all my spent dollars, pennies and dimes?

Tsk. Tsk.  THAT TASTE IS GETTING STRONGER.

We support our man, indifferent, good, or bad, but all he can think about it what he could have had.  What he could have had.  Shiiidd, without me, he’d probably have  nothing. Still be trying to keep me quiet, while we’re in the room at his mama’s/roommates/my house fucking.

The tears are starting to flow and snot is starting to drip. Best get your shoes and leave because I may just start to trip.  The day of reckoning is here, had just about all you can stand.  Fed up, exasperated, you take your hand and fan.

It’s not you, it’s me.  Don’t want to be together any more.  I feel used, betrayed, like a common cheap whore.

The process is complete, your bitter woman has been formed

A product of man, a life he did born.

Marvel at the life, that man hath given birth.  The once sweet, now bitter woman, a Man’s greatest work.

 

 

From Thread for Mending a Broken Soul.  #whatailsya

Soul to Soul

One sure fire way to tell a writer is the number of notebooks, excess scraps of paper, iPad notes, etc., that are filled with enough words, sentences, paragraphs and such to fill a small library.  You have to get it down, Maxwell style: Whenever, Wherever, Whatever.  At least that’s the way it is for me because my writing isn’t of me.  So imagine the chuckles, questions and the outright mindblowing conversation I engaged in when this thought was placed in my head/on my heart.  Psalm 23, particularly, the beginning.  The L-rd is my Shepherd, I shall not want.  Really?  Really.  C’mon  Papa’, we all want something, even Jesus wanted and still wants.  Right now or then, when you gave me this thought, I wanted to get it out and down but it wasn’t time.  Whenever I pray, I want, to be closer to you.  When I’m in distress, I want, you to be close to me.  Seems I really do live in the Land of Plenty and in Want.  I think you like it that way.  You are so funny.

The very fact that I acknowledge that I want may mean I really don’t because I really do have all I need.  If all I want, is all I need. And all I need, is all I want; well everything is canceled out and I’m no better, no worse, I’m just fine.  Yeah, I don’t always feel fine because life here on Earth can be pretty rough some times and it gets hard to remember that what I want and what I need are one in the same.

“Back to life. Back to reality…However do you want me.  However do you need me.”  Is that a question or a statement? Who’s doing the asking/making the statement?  Is it the Shepherd or the sheep?  Both want something.  IJS.

Take this past weekend.  I wanted a different outcome, didn’t get it.  I want peace on Earth. I want, I want, I want.  And don’t tell me that’s not what it means.  Want, as it relates to the humanity, only has 1 definition.  Wanting, like quitting, gets a bad name.  You have to put it in perspective, that’s why there is more than one translations besides the KJV.  Still, it’s true that when you examine what you have, you’ll find you have what you need and what you need is actually, what you want.  Maybe, lol.  Papa’ sure is funny.

#whatailsya

Still waters run?…

It’s a song.  It’s a proverb.  It’s confused.  It’s an oxymoron.  As you may recall, I recently became FB friends with running.  Well, OWS and I are FB, IG and Twitter friends.  We follow each other regularly but our interaction is spotty.  Life Tri lesson #1093:  All water does not swim the same.  Yeah, I’m fully aware of currents, etc., etc., but what completely went over my head was the expectation of said current.  Mmhmm.  No such expectation when swimming in a lake, as I found out this weekend.  Nothing more frustrating than swimming and going nowhere.  There is, at least for me, a difference and the mystery lies in figuring out what and how to tweak it.

My weekend was filled with bumps, bruises, aches, disappointments and lessons. The ride home is never so long as when a race doesn’t go as one hoped.  Adapt, adjust, keep it moving.  Except when you, literally, physically aren’t.  It is laughable now, wasn’t then but a probable reason dawned on me as I stripped out my muddy, wet gear:  Dinkus, you can’t swap training/race gear.  Classic rookie mistake.  That was part of the mental breakdown.  The physical breakdown was mother nature.

Being a woman can be so inconvenient sometimes.  I’m no amateur to this womanhood thing but you can’t control what you can’t see and you just don’t know what or how a period is to be.  Add to that a nice jab to the jaw from my bike fork when unloading my bike and my face bobbed when it should have weaved.  Adrenaline kept me from feeling it then, felt it when I went to put my face in my hand.

My Chaperone, Cheerleader, Carrier was maneuvering rocks, slopes, mud and dog poo and ended up aggravating a knee injury.  Limped along the rest of the weekend, loading that leg in and out of cars, up and down stairs and wherever else it was needed.  This race may have been “picturesque” but the conditions were a bit brutal.

The bright side of all this was/is, my new transition set up worked for me.  It really is the little things.  I prefer my waters running, period.  Even dish water isn’t still.  No one really likes to work harder but at times, it’s what’s called for and it’s what’s called for to address Still Waters.  Trying to move something that is Still obviously requires hard work but once you know the issue, the idea is to work smarter, not harder.  I learned from working hard and not getting the results desired.  Now, time to work smarter. #whatailsya #RealAthleticWoman doing some Real Adjustments.