Because of you

September has been designated National Suicide Prevention Month.  It is my opinion  that every month is suicide awareness because the issues and circumstances that drive some to contemplate and complete suicide remain well beyond the glare of the national spotlight.

“There were times, no one was around, no love to be found, my life was upside down.  And there were times, I didn’t have one friend, I could not fit in, was in so much pain and suffering.”

Often, these are just some of the thoughts and feelings experienced by any human, but they are more profoundly felt by those who see no way past these issues and circumstances.

There is someone that is always there, who that person is for you may vary but G-d is always there. He may be quiet, aloof and any other distant human quality we wish to assign to him but absent is not one of them.  Someone is there, someone is always there and if you can be brave enough to just look up and out and reach, that someone may be able to help you save yourself.

“Because of you, I am so much better.  Because of you, I am so much wiser.

Because of you, I’m stronger than ever.  Because of you, I won’t give up never.”

Because of You – from I’m Jus’ Sayin’, the debut album by Moosh Millionz

Living in my truth

As my slogan says, we ALL having something that needs to getmended.  Well, today, I put a few stitches in myself, thanks to the help of some wonderful seamstresses.

The hardest thing I think people have with getting mended is threading the needle.  In E speak, it’s facing your fears and doing battle with that which needs mending.  I’m a little fearful of drowning.  Yes, I can swim but I need a safety stroke, a recovery stroke, a stroke I can go to when I get tired or scared buuuttt I’m too scared to try it.  How crazy is that?!  Anyway, today, my new BFF (best fitness friends) helped me, well, we helped each other, getmended.

See, for me, being a #RealAthleticWoman is about My Real, not yours.  IDK how much you can lift, how fast, you can swim, how fast you can run because your effort will not/does not benefit me to the extent that my body will benefit.  My mind will and I appreciate that but people looks at chunkmunks like myself and we and out preconceived notions of what Athletic or an Athlete looks like fills our brain.  I’m doing me and if that means, I have to use a pull buoy and fins to acclimate myself to swim across the pool then so be it.  I’m not ignorant to the fact that you can’t use those things in a race but in the words of Allen Iverson – “we talking about practice.”  Can’t get better without confidence and you can’t build confidence without tools.  Hell, even babies use a walker to build their confidence.

My second mendation came in the form of CrossFit knees to elbows.  Now if you don’t know what that is, Snapple it.  Now, I only use my hands for writing, typing, eating, bathing and anything else that will not leave any marks or pop-up veins on my hands.  My hands resemble those of an 5-9 y/o child.  My fingers are bones wrapped in prosciutto thin skin. I don’t even open twist bottles or soda cans – I have a thing about my hands/fingers hurting.  Well, that will never do in Crossfit, especially when doing knees to elbows or pull-ups.  Needless to say, those 4 rounds of 8 were-not-pretty.  My hands burned, through the gloves mind you and my fingers were getting tight and the entire experience was so unpleasant but I fought through those 4 rounds of 8 and after those and WBS, I dropped down from the bar, finishing in 05:32.  There were some in the class who finished in 3 minutes, good for them.  I have no desire to compete with you because that’s not my purpose.  This is MY Real – 5 minutes and 32 seconds, over half spent on 4 rounds of KtoE and wringing my hands out.

In the wintertime, have you ever hit your hand on something and the pain just seemed to stay there FOREVER?  Well, that’s how I feel about my hands/fingers.  I know it’s something I need to rid myself of but the process is going to make for slow progress.

I’m no small chick and I’m ok with it.  Not asking anybody else to be.  Those like me, both male and female are doing our best to mend #whatailsus in our own way.  Society wants everyone to look and do everything the same – well wouldn’t that be just boring.

Me and my BFFs, we swim different, we have different body types but the effort we all put in is Real and it is all our own.  So shout out to every #RealAthleticWoman and #RealAthleticMan who are getting it done apologetically and with style and finesse.

What ails ya?

Use that word in a sentence.

Admit it, we’ve all at one point and time in our adult language lives, misused a word in a sentence.  No?  Well, I have and I can admit it, hey, even the sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in a while.  Well, I was the victim of a driveby language lashing.  I arrived home from school to find my mother standing in the door, red-faced and ready to blast me with both barrels.  Seems Mrs. Zawiggins had phoned ahead to notify my mother that I’d missed roll-call.  My mother, being the good, upstanding PTA parent that she is, was, in her words, embarrassed.  I felt like I was traversing one of those Spartan Races: crawling under barbed wire , scaling rope walls, as I walked past her barrage of ‘what were you think, don’t you know and I can’t believe’.  I said nothing.  I kept walking until I got the obligatory “don’t you hear me talking to you?”, to which I whispered, “yes, and I’m sorry.”  I stood there, shaking and shivering and owned my mishap.  Head bowed, eyes, somewhat closed, I told the truth and SHE STILL kept going.  I said nothing.  I stood there, in the ring of fire and secretly wondered, what all the commotion was about.  Surely that little deed didn’t cause that much damage, did it?

After standing there, getting smoked for what seemed like forever, the wildfire died down and the smoke started to dissipate. My mother seemed exhausted; mentally and physically.  I, on the other hand, felt refreshed. I realized then and there that it is always better to lie because, in the words of Jack Nicholas’ character – “you can’t handle the truth.”  When you give people the truth, they have no comeback, no additional weapons.  The truth unarms them and they are left weak and defenseless.  I’d never felt more powerful.  When I was dismissed, I went to my room, sat on bed and relished in the fact that I had won a moral victory.  I felt a twinge of, I don’t know, pity maybe, that my mother could/would allow such a trivial thing to send her into the level of embarrassment that she expressed.  I meant her no harm, honest I didn’t, but I’m glad it happened.  It taught me a valuable lesson.  It taught me that perception is everything and reality means nothing.  It taught me that the truth is a powerful weapon.  Use it wisely and often and then stand in silence as it cuts their tongues, leaving them speechless.

My mother is akin to the Mexican axolotl, I ‘clare her tongue was in perfect working order the next day.

What ails ya?